In other news, no takers of our house. Seems people don’t even want to come look at it.

And if you’d like to know how my weekend is to begin, not with my pj’s, a glass of wine and bad, canceled tv shows via netflix streaming. No, it’s me racing home to take a certain 12 y/o to have his wrist x-rayed. In a snowboard accident last night he injured his wrist and although I thought it was just a strain – “Ice! Advil! Rest!” – the school nurse seems to think it warrants an x-ray. She even filled out a bunch of paperwork to PAY for the x-ray since it happened on a school sponsored trip. The doctor’s office also feels confident enough that it is necessary to not warrant an appointment with them first. So I’m once again a neglectful parent for downplaying the whole incident.

5 baseball games

4 soccer games

4 track practices

3 baseball practices

2.5 days as a single parent

2 soccer practices

2 appointments

2 work FAILS

1 missed 504 meeting (major parenting FAIL)

1 track meet

1 band concert

1 NJHS induction

1 guitar lesson

1 dinner date

unspecified number of bottles of wine drank

So little time. Ok, really: So much laziness.

So much for the truth. Now onto facts…

Fact #1: I now have Fridays off. OFF. O.F.F.
I added an hour to my work day Monday-Thursday and have Fridays OFF. I’m giddy with the freedom. Same # of hours a week only 4 days instead of 5. Well, I was working 6 days a week because of my other job but now it is just Sun – Thursday. Two whole days off! Whooohoooo! A day to do laundry and dishes, schedule appointments and shop. Today was my first Friday off, actually, last Friday was my first Friday off but it was before I asked to change my hours. It was just suppose to be a one time deal because of Fact #2 (see below). It worked though and now it is permanent. Unless it doesn’t work out. Then it is un-permanent. But for now, it’s happening. And I am giddy. I actually feel like I’m playing hooky or something. Like I’m skipping out even though I put in my hours this week. A day off! For real! Giddy, I tell you.

I stayed in my pj’s until 2 and did laundry and dishes and picked up the house a bit. My God! I had forgotten the loveliness that is being alone.

Fact #2: TJ had his adnoids out last Friday.
I wasn’t really going to write about it because:

A) Respecting his privacy and all.

B) It is very minor surgery that I was anxious about (because I’m a mom). That and the fact they give you a month to entertain every horror you’ve ever heard about and some you just make up in your head. A month! Why, oh why, can they not just schedule surgery for the day after it is decided the child needs it? Why? My anxiety would have not had a chance to gather its forces and strangle me with fear.

So now you are asking why? Why am I writing about it. Well because. The child asked me if I was going to and when I said no he said I should and he wanted me to. So… there you have it.

Now for the fun part of fact #2: My son was drunk and seeing double and it was FUNNY.
They gave him some medication to take the edge off before the surgery and watching it take affect may have made me forget a bit of the anxiety… until they rolled him away. He told us the ceiling was pulsating and we looked weird. And then he giggled. When the anesthesiologist came by to check on him he giggled some more and pointed at him. Then he told him he had 4 eyes and 2 noses. Then more giggling may have occurred. It was really very entertaining. There was also a moment when my husband took off his baseball cap, held it out next to him and said, “Meet my friend.” TJ made a horrified face. Then we all collapsed into a fit of giggles. Or maybe that was just me. It was funny. Trust me. Possibly the second best part of the whole day. Or maybe the third. The first being TJ making to the bathroom and back without throwing up or passing out. The second being spending the day on the couch with him watching movies we’d rented just for the occasion.

Fact #3: I’m a terrible, no good, very bad parent.
As an early Hanukkah present we took the older two to a concert. Their first concert. TJ’s favorite musician.

First, we walked a half mile in the rain, stood in a very long line in the rain before getting in and then power walked back to the car (in the rain) after the show. All this the DAY AFTER TJ’s surgery. In our defense, we bought the tickets a couple of months ago and promptly forgot all about them. I scheduled the surgery about a month later and STILL did not realize about the concert/surgery coinciding until the week before when my SIL mentioned the show. At which point I shrieked, “WE CAN NOT GO. My baby is having SURGERY.” And there was much eye rolling for all the drama by the other family members. And to be fair, the Dr. okayed it if he was feeling up to it. It was not decided until the final moments whether or not we really were going to go but he insisted he was ok, so go, we did.

The other reason I was the T,NG,VB Parent was the show was Ben Folds. Tell me, have any of you seen Ben Folds in concert?

I am so not up with things. (Also known as Fact #4)

It was at a local college and it was a good show. It was fun and BF seemed to be having fun and I was enjoying myself until… until the major swearing started and I got a bit uncomfortable seated next to my 10 & 11 year olds. And then, the inappropriate song (**warning: not work or kid safe**) started. The inappropriate song was being sung in good fun and all – but to quote my sister-in-law, “I was very uncomfortable during that last song.” To which I replied, “Try being their mother and listening to that while sitting next to them.” To which my husband replied, “I pretended I was somewhere else. What else could I do.”

I was sure CPS would be waiting at our door when we got home. Fortunately, so far it has not seemed to harm TJ’s health any and as far as “the song” goes, we have decided to never speak of it again.

And that is all. For now.

I must get back to my Laundry! and Cooking! and caring of the children! for now they are home again and I am no longer alone.

The shiny newness and excitement of work has dulled a bit but I still like it most days. The 2 days I spent last week without a single thing to do have been replaced with more than I have time for. Ah, the way this world works always catches me off guard until I think about it and wonder how I could possibly still be surprised.

In other news…
The children are well. Alex did not break his toe. Tyler’s migraines are under control. All four children’s teeth are clean and x-rayed. And plans for Tyler’s birthday party are under way.

No one has killed anyone and they have been playing nicely together. I think it may mean the end of the world is near.

My life, it is exciting.

It is also time to start the planning and preparing for my other job. And, I. AM. NOT. READY. This working thing is really a lot of, well, work.

So now I start the intricate scheduling of the activities. The activities of four active children. Four children that do things like Hebrew school and gymnastics and cub scouts. And now I have a regular job. And the planning for the “other job”. And let us not forget the volunteering in the children’s classrooms. Yes, I thought I’d get out of it but it seems they will MAKE IT WORK so I can come in to at least my youngest’s class to help out. yay.

And also it seems the boys’ team at the gym is much larger than in the past. So now, instead of pretty much showing up whenever there is a class scheduled we needed to not only register for class (as in the past) but register ON TIME. This also means the classes we wanted are full. FULL. And I’m really not sure the other classes will work in our schedules. Let’s say it together… this causes me S.T.R.E.S.S.

One last thing…
I’m pretty much against the whole concept of Mommy guilt. Nursing vs formula, co-sleeping vs in the crib in another room wars. I don’t buy into the whole I need to meet their every single need. Or I yelled at them and now they are scarred. I really try to be a good mom and I think overall I am. Most days. People make mistakes and children learn lessons. (side note: I just spent a very long time looking for my bad Mommy award posts and CAN NOT FIND THEM. So, please imagine me doing dumb things like forgetting to pick my kids up from rollerskating and forgetting to send in special items for school, etc.)

I will say that every now and then I become convinced that I’m forever damaging my children by some behavior or other that they will take to be normal and then will act that way as adults.

For example, we tend to be hard on our oldest. He is responsible and trustworthy and eleven. Sometimes we have been known to yell at him for doing stupid shit. Normal kid stuff. Then he turns around and does the same to his brothers and I cringe. He is so hard on them.

It also shows when he accuses us of being harder on him then the others (we are). I am the oldest and I know part of that is just being the oldest. I also know that I need to back off. And I do try. But some times at night while I’m lying in bed I become convinced that it may be too late. I may have irrevocably damaged him and it is all my fault. He will forever have self-esteem issues. AND IT IS ALL MY FAULT. And I CAN’T FIX IT. I’m TOO LATE.

I have RUINED. MY. CHILD.

And my heart hurts. And I cry. And I feel that sensation of wearing my heart on the outside of my skin and all those cliches of how it feels to be a mother. And I never want to leave them again.

I’m not ready for school to start.

Once again I have earned the Bad Mom Award. No, no. All of you who think you have done horrible, terrible, no good things in relation to your children – you are wrong. I have committed a grievous sin. I forgot to pick up my 3rd grader from rollerskating. At 4:00 I remembered. At 4:45 I received a phone call asking if I was planning on picking him up. Yes, the 4:30 pick-up time came and went with not a speck of recognition from me.

With possibly the quickest exit ever with three children, we arrived at school at 4:51. Little boy sitting alone on bench waiting my arrival. Okay, he wasn’t alone. There were two other kids there. Back to my sad story. He was crying and carrying on. Actually, he was hanging out without a care in the world.

ME: “I’m really sorry. I lost track of time.”

TYLER: “It’s okay.”

ME: “Are you alright? Really?” Thoughts of the day he took the wrong bus home and subsequent nightmares for two weeks.

TYLER: “Yeah, I’m fine.” He proceeds to skip to van and play with his brothers.

It seems there was no scaring involved. He really wasn’t worried. I’m glad he is secure in the knowledge we will always come for him. I’m a bit worried though. There was no surprise Mom lost track of time. Granted it happens ALL of the time. The kids do know that. Shouldn’t they still be upset I didn’t show up? I mean I’m glad he didn’t care but does that mean I’m an even worse parent than I thought?

Where are those shelves?

It happened at parents’ night last night. I jumped ship early at the nursery school parent orientation (at which I was required to be present even though this is my SIXTH year in a row I have attended the thing) and boogied into Tyler’s parent night – late. I slid into a seat next to my hubby and ignored the disapproving looks of the other parents. When we had a break for snack, odd I know – but a chance to mingle with the other parents, I approached the teacher we called the other night.

ME: “I’m really sorry about that phone call the other night.”

Mrs. K: “It’s no problem. I misspeak sometimes.”

ME: “I tried to explain to him that he misunderstood you but he wouldn’t listen.”

Mrs. K: “He’s always on top of things. Only one other child picked up on my error.”

ME: sudden realization dawning “He was right?”

Mrs. K: “Yes, only two of them picked up on it. Tyler picks up on everything. It’s great.”

ME: “You mean Tyler was paying close enough attention to notice this? He was right? The teacher misspoke? Are we really talking about Tyler? Oh, my, GOD! I am the worst parent ever!”

Actually, I didn’t say those last things. What I said was, “Thanks again for taking the call. It helped a lot.”

I then ran to my husband to tell him what a bad mom I am. “…I argued for ages. I told him he misunderstood. No wonder he cried. I didn’t believe him.”

Let’s make more space on the mantle. Oh no, it’s getting a bit crowded. At this rate we’d better build some shelves.

I did know one of two people would deliver him from camp to town. I did not know which person would do it and where they would leave him. To be fair, neither person would ever abandon him on the side of the road. My dilemma today was having one child with fever, one child with bug bites the size of oreos, and one child needing to be picked up at camp 40 minutes away. Oh, and not to forget the one being delivered at the same time. Delivered somewhere, I just wasn’t sure where.

I did have one cell phone number. In a karmic event I called and called that number about 5 times during the drive to pick up child #3. Rang but no answer. Anxiety. Now usually I am a logical woman. They won’t leave him. He’ll be fine. They’ll call the house and bring him home. Unfortunately, I am either having PMS or am pregnant again (which BTW CAN’T happen anymore). I’ve been weepy all day. I’ve also had that feeling of dread and anxiety – a weight on my chest. (okay, stop with the dirty thoughts already)

Finally, got a hold of the person with the cell phone. Yes, she had him. Yes, she was planning on bringing him to the house. Relax. It’s fine. There was no cell reception at camp.

You’d think I’d be feeling better. Not so. Something seems to be in the air and I’m not sure what. I’m suppose to be leaving tomorrow for my big weekend but I’m not packed, not mentally ready and still don’t even know what time I am leaving. I don’t even know who will watch the kids.

All I know is the kids kicked me off the computer all day, the bitten child has a Dr.’s appointment at 9:30 am, the fevered one should probably have an appointment, the drama king has a performance at 11:30 am (which I will have to find streetside parking downtown in the city) and the camp returnee has notified me that I am “the worst mother in the world” while in hysterical tears.

Requirements for being the

Worst Mother in the World:

1. no video games in house
2. set your nine year old’s bedtime yourself
3. limit the friends they have over so you can retain your sanity
4. All-in-all, make sure he is not even a little bit like his friends (becasue of 1-3)

Now I’m guessing it’s exhaustion that is prompting the outburst. The problem with that is the solution is to get him to bed early which then means he doesn’t get to go to Grammy’s to play video games, stay up late or have a friend over.

The one part I still haven’t told you all? Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. Not only scary but impossible. Scary because I’ve only had pregnant dreams right before I found out I was pregnant. Impossible because I have been surgically “fixed”.