I sent in a request to be part of an intensive 3 week class this summer to learn sign language. And I’m terrified.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this terrifies me so because really, this doesn’t seem like something that should strike fear in my heart. It’s something I want to do. (hence the application) But it makes my heart race to think I might get into the class.

So why did I apply? I want to learn. The place I work has a high number of deaf students and I’d like to be able to communicate with them without paper and pencil. I think it shows a bit of respect to learn this to help serve them. And I plain old think it would be cool to learn.

Now my fear tells me I have been getting by without learning and no one would bat an eye if I didn’t learn. It also keeps whispering in my ear that it will be very embarrassing if I can’t learn. I don’t have the best memory. I haven’t been a student in forever. I DO NOT MEMORIZE WELL. My entire office will know I’m taking the class and will expect me to come back full of knowledge and the ability to sign to actual deaf people and understand the same deaf people’s signing. What if I can’t?

Working at a university has many positive aspects. Free classes for one sounds like a beautiful benefit unless you don’t do well. Then EVERYONE will know you are an idiot.

In the end I bit the bullet, gave my boss the application to sign (it’s during work hours), and sent it in. I don’t have one of those bucket lists or 40 by 40 lists because I can never think of anything I really want to do. This morning on my way to work I realized that learning sign language is something I would like to do before 40. I’ve always wanted to learn, and really, it’s not out of my reach. But it is very scary.

It is slow here at work today. The college kids are off this week and it is s.i.l.e.n.t. around here. Very strange.

In other news, it is warm. As in almost 60 degrees warm. It is suppose to go below freezing again tomorrow but for right now it is luscious. Yes, luscious. Warm and springy and just the most wonderful weather I’ve experienced in months and months and months. I’m definitely looking forward to Spring. However, I do need to find my sunglasses. I’m not exactly sure how long they have been missing as the sun has been in hiding for weeks but I do know they along with my favorite pair of gloves and a bunch of those cloth bags the stores are all selling instead of plastic are missing. I’m guessing they all jumped into one of the bags and went into hiding. Or on a field trip to someplace sunny. Hmmmm.

One last thing, I know I’ve scared away all my meager readers with long absences. So maybe, if anyone does still read here, you could post this question to your readers and leave a link for me here in comments so I can check out the replies.

Question:
I’ve only been at my job for 2 months. And I know that it is in bad form to want to apply for another position within the organization. But, it’s a position that is perfect for me. Less hours but full time (35 hrs/wk), more money, and it’s doing what I did at my last job which I LOVED but was only part time. Right now I file things. Ok, I do other things that I enjoy but 60% of my time is spent filing. I DESPISE filing. The position I have now is not challenging at all. I took the job thinking I could do it for a year or more until something better came along. I did not expect MY job to come along and certainly not this soon. I wouldn’t have even known about it except the organization sends out new job postings every couple weeks and it was listed. To be truthful, I didn’t even think a position like this existed here. In fact, the research I’ve done makes it look like the position was just created.

So, I am still trying to find out if there is a minimum waiting period for switching jobs here. No one is answering my calls (break week). But what say the grand internets? YAY or just forget about it already – Bad Form.

So yes, I’m now working full time. Outside of my home. For a paycheck. For the first time in over 13 years.

In many ways it is much easier than anything else I have done in the last 13 years. So much pressure is off because, hello, I have to work. The thing I’m having the hardest time with, two things actually, but not because they are related, and I’m just going to keep sticking in phrases in-between commas until this is the longest sentence ever, so it all boils down to… you guessed it, time.

There are a few things here and there that I WANT to do. Like take the kids to the doctors and parent-teacher conferences and stay home with them when they are sick occasionally and do things for other people that I just can’t seem to find time to do now. In which I mean I can’t do these things in a timely manner.

This bothers me greatly.

On the other hand, one thing I have learned in the past year is that I MUST work full time. I need to feel like I’m contributing to my household in a financial way. I need to not feel that I’m stuck in this marriage because I can’t support myself or the cost of a divorce. Not to say that’s what I want, or that I make enough to realistically do either of those things, but I need to feel like I could if I had to.

Another aspect of this job is that I don’t enjoy it nearly as much as my last one. It’s okay. The people are fine. Mostly. It is not challenging enough. And I was brought in to make change and that avenue is not currently open to me. Not to say that it won’t be. And not to say I don’t have a few things to learn first. I mean this time is probably the best thing for the situation. BUT, the inevitable but, I am not a patient woman.

So, in closing, all this to say, I’m working full time.

This is definitely a bad time of year to start a new blog.

Reason #1: End of/Beginning of Month: My busiest time at work.

Reason #2: Sports. Sports. And even more sports. Baseball and lacrosse are very time consuming. And no, I don’t play any sports except the sport of reading. My boys play. All of them. All 4 of them.

Reason #3: The weather. It is getting nicer out – finally! – and I would rather spend a bit of time outside than in on the computer. Or maybe not. But I do HAVE to spend more time outside tending to things. Things like the children. And eventually I will have to tend to the yard. The yard that currently looks like we live in an abandoned building. I hate yard work and gardening. Someone save me!

Reason #4: Since I’m going to try to keep this blog anonymous, I can’t blog at night while the family is around. It will be interesting to see if I can pull it off.

There it is. A total cliche of the Springtime blog of someone with offspring.

In a classic blogger move I had a great post in my head that evaporated when confronted with the white page of doom. (Also known as a blank posting page.)

I keep getting up and trying to retrieve it. Work a bit and get it going again but alas it seems to have vanished.

In my typical fashion I shall bore you with a bit of stream of conscious and see what happens.

• Mother Nature is mocking me.Really. The ice has lasted THREE days so far on the trees. THREE DAYS. It never lasts that long. Especially while sunny. I’ve gone back to carrying my camera everywhere and yet, it’s sunny while driving and the second I pull the car over the clouds roll over the sun. I’m afraid to try to get the shots I want now and have decided I don’t deserve the new camera because if I did I would do something bold like skip work to photograph the amazing sights around me.Seriously, when the sun hits the trees just right it looks like they’re made of glass. An entire world of glass. If I saw it in a movie or a painting I would never believe it. Looks like Mother Nature has taken to the world of cgi. It may be one of the most beautiful things ever and yet when I try to capture it – I can’t.
• I need to update my blog template but just the time it took to fix my archives caused outrage in the MoMMY household. So, unless I plan on forgoing sleep for a few days, it’s not going to happen. And since we all know I’m not one to forgo sleep… well, not happening.
• I also need to decide what I’m doing about my photography “business”. I use business loosely. Very loosely. I’m thinking of shutting down the cafePress shop and even though I’ve talked about shutting down my website, I’m just not ready to do that yet. I’m not sure why, I guess because I hang on like a dog with a frickin‘ bone. Good lord, let it go already MoMMY.
• Speaking of letting go, still can’t quite let go of the whole writing thing. The stuff I was writing and submitting a while back is languishing in a file box and on my computer and I can’t seem to do anything with it. I’m obviously not a writer. I can’t even manage to write on my blog anymore and yet I can’t quite put that dream away. I will repeat, Good lord, let it go already MoMMY.
• Maybe this should be the year for letting go.