To sum up… People, stay out of other people’s business. Commitment is good. You judging others is bad. Now go read those other people who explain it so beautifully.

I’m trying to not cry at work. I’m not sure why. Things that may shed a light on the situation:

1. My husband is gone until about 9 tomorrow night.
2. I miss him. I have for weeks now. He’s been here the whole time.
3. The children and I are having dinner at my mother’s tonight (must put on a happy face).
4. I am healthy! Nothing is wrong! Except the pain in my abdomen that can even wake me in the middle of the night.
5. My job is boring me out of my skull. Busy work, oh how I hate you.
6. I miss my kids. Except when I’m trying to get them to do something.
7. All I want is to curl up with a chick flick, box of tissues and vat of wine. Alone.
8. I have absolutely no time to do this.

Since Monday started as one of those days. Nothing too terrible happened. Just lots of little things kept going wrong and I went to bed thinking, “I’m so glad today is over. Tomorrow is a new day.”

Then Tuesday turned out to be another one of those days. The stakes were a bit higher. More little things went wrong. I started to stress about not getting things done that needed to be done. But I told myself, Wednesday, Wednesday would be better.

And when Wednesday turned out to be terrible before it even began. Things needed to be done. Things for work and things for the family and things for the kids. All at the same time. It was not an auspicious start.

After much stressing I decided the family came first. I called in sick. And maybe physically I wasn’t ill but mentally I was walking a tightrope. Then the 11 year old was sick and needed to stay home. But I had 8 billion things that needed to be done and none of them could be done at home. Well, to be truthful, the ones that could be done at home could be done at night or later or whatever. There were appointments to be attended and groceries to buy and gas for the car or I wouldn’t be going anywhere. Oh, and it was the husband’s birthday. Might be nice if I had a card and a cake.

So I left my mildly ill child home with the dog and went to an appointment. But I was very late for the appointment because somehow meeting at 10 translated into my brain as leave house at 10. Until 10 arrived and I realized I needed to be somewhere that was a minimum of 30 minutes away. You my brain, you are not working well.

At every turn I was letting people down. Something I have learned about myself… I do not do well with letting people down. Almost every errand run resulted in at least one other thing that needed to be done. Nothing huge. Nothing horrible. But, like a bucket 1/2 full of water. Each little pebble that was added brought the water level up a little closer to the rim. As of yesterday around 4 pm I was 1 pebble away from overflowing. Did you not pay attention to this, oh sub-conscience of mine?

As you may recall, I started to have a panic attack in the car. I held on by my fingertips, barely. I felt like I did when I finally went to the doctor for my depression 3 years ago. Not the despair but the feeling of one more thing would send me straight to a padded room. I kept having visions of heading to the airport and hopping on a plane to anywhere. These alternated with the vision of curling up in bed in the fetal position and pulling the covers over my head. Were you sending me these visions? Was it you?

The only way I can describe the feeling of being one step from the edge is that it feels like any moment I may shatter. DID. YOU. NOT. NOTICE. THIS?

Did you not notice my panic and guilt when I returned home to a child with a high fever and earache? How about when I picked up another child’s monthly prescription and it was more than 2x’s the normal amount?

So why, why sub-conscience did you force me to have a dream ALL. NIGHT. LONG. of me failing people at every turn? Did you think it would make today better? Did you? Because it made me really tired and really hysterical and not any closer to keeping my shit together.

You are now on notice. I am telling you in case you’re not paying attention. Today has not been going so well. Remember that prescription? It seems we’ve reached the cap. Next month it will cost us $200. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS each month until the end of the year.

Consider this a warning. I want dreams of unicorns with friggin rainbows coming out their asses. Puppy dogs and kittens. Do you understand???

Sincerely,
MoMMY, one step from the edge

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When I’m extremely emotional I cry. I do not cry to manipulate people. I do not cry to garner sympathy. I cry because I can’t help it.

In fact, I so often wish as tears start streaming down my face that they would just fucking stop because really, it’s annoying. And embarrassing. And when I’m really pissed off? I DO. NOT. WANT. TO. CRY. in front of the person who pissed me off. And when I’m trying to be brave. I do not want people to see me cry.

The flip side of this is I can’t cry on demand. If I get pulled over for speeding, CAN. NOT. CRY. I can’t do it just to get my own way. Doesn’t work. And honestly? I’m really not a manipulator. It’s just not who I am.

Now you all know my secret. So, please ignore all the crying.

I’m guessing at the spelling here. Fuckory? Fuckery? Who knows? I’m going with the former.

I must thank Amy Winehouse for the word though. I just discovered it yesterday. The day before? God, was that only yesterday? Time is moving so incredibly slow around here. You’d think I’d be getting more done.

Anyway, I love, love, love the word as it describes my life so perfectly at the moment. So thank you Amy Winehouse. I love my new word. Even if I don’t love what it describes.

STACEY