So, things on my mind…

• I love, love, love Old Navy’s Dreamer jeans. I forgot how wonderful it is to wear jeans that don’t gap in the back. In fact, I want to buy more and just toss out all my other pants.
• I won – Thank you Cursingmama! – a copy of The Mayo Clinic Diet book & journal over at her review blog. I also started it even though it cautions to wait until a good time. The week before Easter is decidedly NOT a good time. As I have mentioned every single year on this blog, my favorite candy in all the world is only available at Easter. The first two weeks (the Lose It! portion) you are suppose to give up sugar. Hahahahaha. Yo, that shit is hard. I’ve done… ok. Not perfect but not nearly as bad as I would have been if I wasn’t doing this. Also? I have to decided to eat as much candy as I want on Easter. For one day. I will be in a sugar coma. Then? I might extend the first 2 weeks for one more. We shall see.
• As anyone who follows me on twitter already knows, I had my annual review yesterday at work and it has been decided I’m full of the awesome. As for a raise, extremely minimal merit raises are being offered up. I for one am glad to have a job. Not that we couldn’t use the money but I’d rather have no one lose their job.
• Found out a friend from high school is in the hospital with an infection around his heart… from twitter. Twitter FTW! (As for the other business on twitter. Suck it, don’t suck it, I’m out of caring. Although, thanks for the entertainment.) As for my friend, I’m seriously worried. He is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and we just reconnected. Get well Alan!

Child update for the related people and grandparents out there reading – non-related and non-grandparents, do not feel the need to read my annoying gushing. (I must gush when I can because usually I’m just complaining about them):

• Alex played for the Varsity baseball team during a scrimmage the other day. He was not nervous. I was a wreck. He held his own though. It’s his first year catching and he’s doing great but has some stuff to work on. What? I don’t know – see: not informed about sports. Still, the coaches seem to like him and he’s getting the hang of it.
• Tyler made the JV golf team. He’s very excited and we are very proud. Now we need to invest in a membership for him at the local golf course.
• The last parent-teacher conference ever for Dylan was the only one where the teacher had nothing negative to say. Only lovely words were spoken. And his grades are higher than they’ve ever been. Also, it has been agreed by all that Jr. High should be good for him. Apparently letting him almost flunk out last term worked. He’s getting all his homework done at school now. Now if he would just let me cut his hair.
• Zach. What to say about him. He’s a bit sassy. A bit whiny. All brilliant and still adorable. Baseball starts next week.
• The 3 youngest have all signed up for the mini-triathlon again.
• Clearly none of these children are related to me.

It seems like the subject of choices keeps coming up lately.

I’ve always tried to teach my children that life is a series of choices. You can choose to do what I ask or deal with the punishment. You can choose to to quit band but then you have to take music in Junior High. You can choose to yell in my face but then you’ll also get slapped. Then there are other choices. Harder choices.

If you don’t like how something is going you have to choose to change it. If you think you are fat – which, BTW,  I don’t agree with – you need to not eat as much ice cream after dinner. Have a piece of fruit. Make healthier food choices. If you want to save your money for a big purchase maybe you shouldn’t go to the ice cream shop with your friends. If you want to play sports you need to keep your grades up. That means taking 20 minutes the night before a test and studying.

The thing is, we make choices constantly. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like a choice because we feel so strongly one way or another. We may even say we didn’t have a choice. But we almost always do. Yes, things happen that we can’t change but we can change our response. Or not. Our choice. We may not like our choices but we still get to choose between them. We may like both our choices. Many times it’s between what our heart wants and what our head wants. And by heart I do not just mean love. Sometimes heart refers to our gut or our wants or the child within us. By head I’m referring to the logical choice.

It’s not always easy letting your kids make their own choices. Especially if you feel strongly about the outcome. Sometimes it’s still necessary to let them do the choosing. Sometimes it is not at all appropriate to let them have the final decision. No, you may not kill your brother so he will stop annoying you. I don’t care if you decide it is worth the punishment. No, you may not quit school and work at McDonald’s for the rest of your life. You can decide to work there but you will finish school so you have the choice later.

I believe in the handing over of decisions along with the conversation of what results of the choices will be. I am not above gentle nudging. I am not above the suggestion of postponement of certain decisions. Finish band this year, you only have 2 months left then you can decide about next year later.

The hardest part of letting the kids make choices is letting them make what you feel are the wrong choices. I’m not sure how I will handle that. I’ve been very lucky so far in that they haven’t gone against anything I feel extremely strong about. But we are still working on realizing that some of the things that happen have been their choice. You wouldn’t go to your room when you were told and now I have to drag you. One of the boys accused us of almost ripping his arm out of the socket when trying to drag him upstairs to bed one night. I said that all he had to do was choose to walk and that wouldn’t have happened/would have stopped. He just looked at me.

In the boys’ defense, I think they are coming along nicely in the learning to make choices department. Hell, I even have to take the time to remind myself when I’m unhappy that I am choosing this. Every time I eat when I’m not hungry, every time I eat large amounts of fattening foods I am choosing to be fat. I’m not a victim of genetics or medications or physical ailments. I am fat because of what I eat. This is not to say that others don’t have these issues to deal with – they do – this is just to qualify my particular situation. In my life, it is my choices that have resulted in the fat. If nothing else, the tracking of what I eat has proven this.

There are other areas of my life that are not such easy choices. Not as straight forward as whether to eat the Easter candy (child within want) or lose weight (logic). In many cases it’s a choice between two wants. Or two logical options. This is when things get difficult. At one point it was financial security vs being home with the boys. Every day that I work I am still making that choice. And yes, many times there are a multitude of things to factor into the decision. It is an ever changing landscape that shapes our decisions. This is what I think makes it difficult to understand other people’s decisions.

If I have learned anything in my 38 years it is that you should not judge other’s decisions. There are always things you do not know. Circumstances you can not understand. Nuances you are not aware of. And above all, we are all different. We all have different priorities. We all have different histories. We all have different breaking points.

And after all of this I will still choose to eat the damn Easter candy.

Nothing profound. It’s a little of this and a little of that and well, it would bore you to tears. This would be why I haven’t written in a while.

Today I have decided to write anyway. More as a chance to write then to write anything specific. Below is a list! With bullets! Fun for all!

• Work has been busy as my immediate supervisor has been out.
• The second to last Life on Mars is on tonight.
• I’ve been knitting, knitting, knitting.
• The oldest needed cleats for baseball.
• ZJ needs new laces.
• DJ has been complaining his heel hurts for over a week now.

It took me this long to realize the pain DJ has may be related to the sneakers he’s been wearing. So last night it was off to Famous Footwear after dinner. 1 pair of cleats, 1 pair of sneakers, 2 sets of laces and two sets of heel cushions seemed to fulfill everyone’s needs. (buy 1, get 1 1/2 off sale = LOVE)

Being out of the house right after dinner also helped with the other thing that has been on my mind for the last 9 days. It kept me from eating. I guess the truth of the matter is something has been on my mind more than usual lately. Something I’m hesitant to talk about here. Something I’m trying to not talk about much at all. (trying not to jinx any progress I’ve made)

Yes, I’m trying to lose a bit of weight. Something happened this past year (I have no idea what) and now none of my clothes fit me. It’s to the point that I must take it very seriously. The last time I succeeded in losing weight was about a year after the youngest was born. That would be 8 years ago for those of you not wanting to do the math. I used weight watchers on my own and got down to a weight I hadn’t seen since my freshman year of college.

Not to say the clothes I wore when 20 pounds heavier fit me because – oh hell no. The skirt I wore on one of my first dates with the husband – the skirt I wore at 20 pounds heavier – still didn’t fit. Seems the children spread my hips, ribs and pretty much anything else that is spreadable.

Still, I’m hoping I have the right state of mind to win the war yet again. And the one thing I have learned in all my 38 years is it is all about state of mind. Nothing more.

I’m hoping winning the war, or at least a couple more battles, will help with my exhaustion and muscle fatigue. It’s one of those circles of hell. Can’t exercise because of exhaustion and muscle fatigue, have more exhaustion and muscle fatigue from carrying too much weight. Basically a lose-lose situation. So I’m modifying my diet.

As always, tracking is key. And GOOD GOD do I eat a lot. Well, did eat a lot. It once again is forcing me to look at the choices I make when I eat. And, it forces me to look at how much I eat. Should I repeat? I EAT A LOT. I eat enough on an average day to support a professional athlete. Ok, I’m guessing there but seriously – FOOD, how I love thee. It amazes me how little I can live on. I kind of wish I was six feet tall just so I could eat more. Being 5’1″ means I need air, 2 bites of chicken, a sip of milk and an apple to live on. My body cannot burn a pound of my favorite Carbonara. Or even a forkful for that matter. Let us just say SUCK.

So now you really know what’s been on my mind. I’m not going to give you numbers. Not yet anyway. Maybe sometime in the future when I change my mind as I am apt to do. No numbers and no planned progress updates. Just obsessive filling out of my journal at everydayhealth.

What’s on your mind?

The other day I was leaving work and trying to figure out which route is longer mileage-wise. Is it the way I take to work longer or the way I take home? It doesn’t really matter which is longer mileage-wise as long as time-wise I’m most efficient. Still, this proves why I can’t remember to call the eye doctor and check to see if one of the kids has an appointment scheduled. It also proves why I can’t remember whether or not there is an appointment, hence the need to call. Instead I waste my time wondering about mileage. </tangent>

So I’m pulling around a rotary/circle <yet another tangent> do you call it a rotary? circle? It seems everywhere I’ve ever lived/driven they’ve called it something else. Here it’s not really the same since the urgency you get everywhere else is missing. Vehicles drive slow. Pedestrians abound. Very little traffic. Still, you drive in a circle and peel off at different intervals so it’s still called something. </yet another tangent> Anyway, I’m driving around the rotary and I remember to set the odometer.

Do you see where this is going? Tangents collide much like I collide with stationary objects while walking about. I reach through the steering wheel and turn the wheel simultaneously. My arm gets caught *Ow!* and I almost drive off the road.

Things this has taught me:

1. My clumsiness has reached new heights.
2. I still haven’t called the optometrist’s office. (even though I set the alarm on my phone this a.m. and it went off about 2 1/2 hours ago)
3. I’m full of tangents this morning. Also see: why I forget things – Look, something shiny.
4. I forget what #4 was. I believe it was something about natural selection or the fact I have defied logic and found yet more ways to embarrass myself.

I have decided today is slowly trying to kill me. And honestly, I’m not sure why. If you look at the list it all seems like today should be the best day ever.

• Half of our household is away for the weekend so I am only in charge of 2 children.
• It is warm. Really warm. Like 50 degrees warm. In March.
• I had a leisurely morning of getting the children off to school.
• I had an ultrasound of my heart. This is much like having an ultrasound when pregnant without the full bladder. Of course there is no cute baby parts to see but still, not a bad test to have.
• I came to work and it is quiet.
• The boss left early.
• There are brownies here.

See? Best day ever.

Except not.

• It is dark outside. So very, very dark. So dark it seems the sun has been extinguished and the end of the world is near.
• I am no closer to finding out why I’m so damn tired all the time. And the muscle fatigue? HATE. More and more each day.
• I don’t have a ton of work to do so I’m bored.
• I must lose weight so the brownies are mocking me.
• Have I mentioned I’m bored?
• I can’t exercise because of previously mentioned muscle fatigue.
• I feel like writing a real blog post and yet, nothing. I’ve got nothing but this lame ass list.

Oh boo-hoo me. I am lame. Things are good. I just need the work day to end. Right now. I have much to do outside of work and instead am sitting here trying to keep busy. All this to make the powers that be happy.

I will now stop focusing on my sad state and try to do a little design work for my new binders. That should cheer me up.